I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
