i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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