Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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