I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
