Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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