It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
