The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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