I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
