Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
