accomplished twins. life is a go
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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