I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
