why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
