This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
