Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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