I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
