I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
