Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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