I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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