she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
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