awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
