My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
