oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
