Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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