I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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