I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
