Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
