If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
