That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
