If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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