I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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