Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
