i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
