All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
