a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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