There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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