sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
