I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
