You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
