her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize