I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
