We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize