I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
