His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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