I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You're a waste of cheezeits
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
