Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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