How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
