Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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