so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
