i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
