I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
