Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize