First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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