oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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