Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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