White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize