that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
