I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Randomize
