Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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