I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
