so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
