I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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