sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
