My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
