Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All I want is dick and wine.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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