dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
